Insomniac WAS the new word for me.
I had actually started behaving like one. Talking over the phone all night long.And having the time of my life.
Mum thought i was going mad... talking to myself... nd smiling all day long. Had to charge my cellphone all day long. Sms packs knew no count. The nights passed just so easily. Smiling, talking, giggling, and loving.
In the evening, i still remember, i'd go swinging my arms like a kid. Yeah... that's the word.. A kid!

I actually turned into a kid.. suddenly thinking that everyone loves me and all... being happy nd smiling nd dancing my days.

And the so called flirt morphed into a committed lover!

But the fact that almost killed me was... the SHE realized that she was a kid when she said she loves me. It was an immature decision.

Ah... My honey dint understand... she dint know ... that we lovers... we lovers are immature and kiddish throughout our life.

Cuz wen it comes to love... its all about losing your maturity....

i am immature.. and that's y um typing this!!

i am immature... and maybe that's why i have loved u till now..

and maybe.. i'll keep loving u.. i'll be immature all my life... whenever it comes to u... :(




Insomniac IS the new word for me.
I have actually started behaving like one. Crying with the phone in hand all night long.And expecting her to call up... or even msg.
Mum doesn't know that um going mad... talking to myself... nd sobbing all day long. I dont even know where my phone is right now. I don't even get it recharged... i don't feel like talking to anyone. The nights just refuse to pass. Lying, thinking and crying silently.

And the so called Lover morphed into a blogger.........

Why is it...

Why is it.. that i mailed her the other day?
why is it... that i she did reply?
why is it... that we became frnz?
why is it... that we talked to each other like crazy?
why is it... that i asked fr her number?
why is it... that she called me up?
why is it... that we became more than frnz?
why is it...
that i asked her out?
why is it... that she agreed?
why is it... that she broke my trust?
why is it... i dint value her?
why is it... that i loved her so much?
why is it... that i never realized it was all fake?
why is it... that i still do love her?
why is it... that she has so many ppl like me in her life?
nd i have none like her?

Why does it happen?.. y am i even typing this weird piece?
y am i even uploading this text?
y do i feel like i dont have a life?
y is it that my frnz ditch me?
y is it that i dont sleep at nights?
nd y the hell am i stuck to blogger and orkut?
nd hell.. the damned sad songs????!!!!

urghhhhhhhhhhhh.

Pyar

Oh rabh vargeya sajna teh
si rabh varga aitbar sanu .....
par eh dhokha karkey yaara nal
gai jaundeya nu hi maar sanu .........
tera saha vich si sah lainda
ik pal vi dhoori ni jarda si ......
sach puchey ta man badal geya
teinu pyar bathera karda si ......
sach puchey ta man badal geya
teinu pyar bathera karda si ......



sadey hasey kohkey laigey tu
asi sari zindagi rohva gey .....
jo daag wafa nu laiya tu
asi hanjua de nal tohva gey .....
ohaio galan murey ah gayiah
jehdia galan toh dil darda si .....
sach puchey ta man badal geya
teinu pyar bathera karda si .......

Source : Dev dhillon (Pyar)

Till u said....

Well,I never really knew you till you said goodbye..You said it's finally over, here's the reasons why..

You said you've heard enough of all those little lies


I thought I made you happy but you've proved me wrong

I thought I was the one that really made your day.
When I see ur fone's engaged ... nd that ur busy talkin to someone other.. i feel like killin myself.

I guess gettin' over me didn't take you long... yeah.. nd y would it take long?.. after all.. there wasnt anything called love b/w us.


No I never really knew you till you said goodbye...

The soul's out there waiting .... the body's here.. lying, drowning in alcohol ... trying to live...

The hours that passed talking to u... now find me walking on the roads fagging nd hiding my tears.

i dont have no control... over me.. my dose of beer.. the fags.. my eyes which long to see ur pic.
no-one t wipe off my tears no one to understand wat um going through.

i luv u nd i miss u...

I got over you...i got rid of your memories. All the videos nd pics... nd ur mails.
Your number .... ur msgs.... everything associated with you.... almost.

The only thing that i cant get over is still left... left in my mind... the night u said that "YES"

Maybe i have a loads of frnz to help me get over u... but again... um just so alone within.


Just your YES i cant get over.....
i tried hard.. but it stayd...it stayed in my mind to make me remember everything i tried to forget.

Ah... i dunno wat i became...I feel just like that wish... that was never granted........ in ur luv...
I feel just like that wish... that was never granted....
seems i asked more than what i deserved... but then.. what did i ask at all?.. to leave me amidst... amidst all these circumstances... that saw me all changed?

These wounds u gave me... they have healed... almost....

But your YES makes them fresh.. nd i cnt ignore em.

In this heart... many memories have stayed... nd left.
Its just YOUR love.. the time we spent talking.. the fun we had.... Its still there in my heart... buried deep somewhere...

When you talk of your present happy life.. i miss th best time of my life... The time i spent talking to you... walking with u... holding you.....
The day u agreed... nd laughed watching me go crazy.... the days i spent rehearsing those three words to myself...

the day i heard those 3 magical words from you... the time when we cried together cuz we couldnt meet.

The time u asked me not to go ..anywhere.. not to hang up... cuz u wanted to hear my voice...

Honey...um still there... Its u who has left... its u who changed ......

...........

No pressure at my neck.
Just the look on his face,
One I've seen too many times,
And the angle of his arm.
I look down, and what I see barely registers.
A glint of silver,
The sudden flicker of knowledge,
The feeling of trust as I don't think.
I only act. One flick and I prove the blade at my collar isn't sharp,
At the risk of my tongue.
But I knew it wouldn't be.
The look, half unsurprised half annoyed, on his face is perfect,
Caught in the street light,
And I can't help but smile. All the times there's been a blade to my neck,
Always wielded by a friend,
The times it's drawn blood, the times it hasn't...
I don't even flinch any more.
And as I walk, happily pinning him, I can't help but note There's only one difference between then and now.
I know my knife carrier won't hurt me in the now.
And it brightens my step a little more.

Who to blame?

If everyone can look at life with this kind of perspective, there would be much fewer problems in the world. "A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step." Take off all your envies, jealousies, un-forgiveness, selfishness, and fears. And you will find things are actually not as difficult as you think.




Sometimes we spend time in asking who is responsible or whom to blame, whether in a relationship, in a job or with the people we know. By this way we miss out some warmth in human relationship.

Another meaningless crappy mail....

Feb 8, 2007 10:16 AM

love on the internet.....dnt miss a single word honey....


Though I wasn't looking for anyone new,
One day I got e- mail and in it was you.
Charming, sensitive and so debonair,
I strongly resisted it go anywhere.

But letters and stories captured my heart,
Filled me with passion almost from the start.
Love on the Internet, how could it be?
These things just don't happen to people like me.

But doves and butterflies flew into our lives,
Carrying messages we could not deny.
Each person has meaning and love to express,
And we could deny our hearts nothing less.

It's a beautiful love that has grown between us,
Something beyond any words we discuss.
Much deeper than LOL, cyber kisses and such,
Far down to our souls, beyond human touch.

My love's not confined by what it can see,
I feel you, I taste you, I experience your dream.
Close my eyes, and I envision what in my heart I can hear,
"Love knows no boundaries, no distance, no fear."

It's the soul that captures God's love in a way
That eternally melts hearts together to stay.
Fused and sealed forever as one,
Love has its way and new life is begun.

Feb 8, 2007 10:04 AM

....now dis is d 1 expressing my true feelings,though it aint written by me...but still d feelings r mine.....



I never really knew you
You were just another friend
But when I got to know you,
I let my heart unbend.
I couldn't help past memories
that would only make me cry
I had to forget my first love
and give love another try
So I've fallen in love with you
and I'll never let you go
I love you more than anyone
I just had to let you know
And if you ever wonder why
I don't know what I'll say
But I'll never stop loving you
each and every day
My feelings for you will never change
Just know my feelings are true
Just remember one thing
I Love You!

Just today... i surfed my box.. nd found a millions of these...
Of course i did drop a tear..or maybe more.
There was a time when each one of these were so important for me. Every mail... the very sight of a mail from you made me crazy...
But today... wen i see my starred mail list...
i find crap... total crap of 150 MB....

Darkens...

The moon is only half full...like my smile is half real
My head is still filled with the memories of you....that brought me so much joy then so much pain

the tears arent mine...but yours and the stars fall from my sky
as if to tell me...that there's nothing I can do......but sit back and watch them fall

and as much as I reach to you the sky gets darker the moon just gets smaller....until I cant even fake a smile

The Refused

He sits in the park when its dark, cribs about his life to himself ... switches off his cell phone so that no one could disturb him.
He wants to be alone, away from this mad world.... the world which never tried to understand him.
The world which exploited him. The world where he feels like hell.
The place where no-one belongs to him.
The place.... where he is the one who is REFUSED..

I don't really want to say goodbye....I don't really want to leave you.....
But now I have to go away.......Stay away from you forever

What we had was never special to you...

But now I have to go away... *sob*
And leave you from my heart... cuz maybe u dont deserve me...

Nd i bet u'll feel ditched again.... but then..no Vishaal wud be there to help u...
ah..no :(.

maybe i'll stil help u..but still i'll have no respect fr u...nd fr the girls of ur
kind..
i wont be as nice as i was... ever...

Cuz being nice hurts...hurts like hell... nd yea.. dont tell me that u dont know
how to flirt...cuz in that case...u'll have a live example contradicting...

Cnt frget you... cnt love you...nd cnt even hate u... cnt even get over you :(

u have made me helpless.. but this is a test.. that i have to pass...

i let u go...cuz i thought if u ever were made fr me...
u'll be turning back... with a lil hope in my love.... i do believe...


But on the same time i pray to god.... that u never feel the pain u gave me...
nd um happy to se ur happy.

these mixed feelings wont take me anywhere... nd i still guess... i'd win this war.

But who cares!

U never did love me..

U can tell me... u love me,
U can tell me... u care,
But I can never trust u,
No not again...

U broke my heart,
Left it shattered.
And then u walked away.
U left me speechless what could I say�

U said u would never leave me,
That u loved me forever.
But now I know the truth,
U loved me never.....

Wat am i left with?

Laying on my chair... with headfones stuck in my ears.. eyes closed... no light will i see.
I think of the best moments of my life...
I think that u've been playing all around with hearts... u've been playing with my trust... Just cuz i become so weak in front of u... Just like a slave for you...
Um getting high on thoughts.. of u... ur fav clothes...ur fav foods......which u made me learn...
The way you looked at me..drove me crazy... the feeling of being on cloud nine everytime u smiled....
the times we saw the sun setting.. the times we actually LIVED..
The times when u said u were immature...
the times i hugged u when u cried.... the times i fought for u... the times u felt low...

But..as i open my eyes.. i find nothing around me.. no one infact.
Have i lost everyone?... or is it that u have made me a social retard?

All's gone now... all love.. all the beautiful rains... all the green nd sweet evenings.. all friends..
all parties....

What am i left with?
Just a pad to write my own story?
Or all the horns nd pains nd invisible wounds on my heart?

YOU'LL NEVER FORGET ME.... I KNOW YOU'LL MISS ME......

Ur lovely lips... when i touched em with mine,i felt like i was in heaven.
The stars came falling down like the rains.. and it felt like god was delighted to see us together...as if we were one of the most elegant couples he that he created.....
The day is still fresh in my mind and i still relish the moments we spent together...
But today,as i watch the ppl walking around me talking to their partners...i feel i lack someone..
Ur not here... nd it feels nothing's here... nd there's somethin in my heart that makes me feel lonely... lonely among the hundreds of people walking in couples... i certainly do miss you... nd um so sure that wouldn't have gotten anyone better than me...
Even u would go to places where we met secretly...nd where we spent the best momens of our life....
I know my thoughts wont leave your mind....nd ur heart(if u have one) even u would wake up at nights nd remember our late nights fone calls... you'll remember the times we walked with hands in hands... nd the rainy days when we played with water...
You'll never be out of my memories nd whenever you'll miss me .... you'll ask everyone around to leave you alone nd u'll cry ...but then...you wont get someone like me to hold you nd make you happy.... you'd have no-one to thank for making you feel better... u'll feel poisoned nd you wont find a reason to live... your eyes would fall short of tears nd ur heart of emotions... but

YOU'LL NEVER FORGET ME.... I KNOW YOU'LL MISS ME......

Sitting on this bench,with sun rays making their way from the leaves that are still green and highlighting most of the parts of my face... a park in my sector where i dont see any mammal of nature... except for that rikshaw puller sleeping in the shade about a 100 mts away from me.


I look up to the sun, the big ball of fire.... and it feels like it shed all its rays on me only.... urging me to go back to my place.... but i stare up... um blinded for some time.
I wonder why is everyone.... rushing through the times... not observing the beauty nature...busy in earning money.... and the only peace i find is while my sessions of day dreaming... and i beg ppl not to ever wake me up from my dreams.... i want to see myself in a less anxious world... a world where no-one works from 9 to 7 to have some shitty salary.... a world where me and friends could find sometime to watch all things that don't matter.... a world where ppl have time to come in that park and talk 'n' walk their tensions....

gettin high

It was a normal day.I as usual was sitting idle at my place trying to figure how to make my life an organized one.
Sitting on the chair,when i heard the door bell...i wasnt quite sure if it was a friend of mine or not.
but wateva....i heard a similar voice...saying namaste aantie.

nd i was quite sure at that time who he was.

so came up to me asking, "wats up dude.... aivien bongeya di tarah kyu baitha ae"
i jus smiled nd said...aivien yaar...bore ho gaye.
The next half an hour we chatted...nd then he offered me to accompany him to his place.

i wasnt in a mood...or maybe lazy...but u know these frnz...they're gonna keep blabbering nd trying to convince me.....
so i finally was up..changed, nd went cycling along with him.

We went to his place...nd were lying on different beds....wen he suddenly came up with the most wicked plan.
he said,"dude,wtf, um sick of this bored life....let's get high"

i was half bored nd wasnt listening to him much. But as i heard the word "high"

i looked at him as if he had kicked on my innards.....i was astonished nd hyper.
but after a fifteen minute discussion on the right age to get high..... i was convinced enough to try it once...(its easy to convince me... especially when it comes to something adventurous :P)

Ok ...so we set out to sector 35 fr a game of pool(which in the end proved to be a 2-hour pool session!)

and after that...it was around 7 o'clock in the evening nd we went out fr the final show!


he took all the things ....drove to his place.
i had my first sip of beer.... nd realized that i would better have a garlic than to have the next sip!

so damn weird was the taste.

but my frnd said....no dude...continue..u'd love it wen u get high.

so there was i sitting on a couch having the weirdest drink ever made...jus to fuckin get high once.

i drank my first glass(but i dint get high :( ).... i have to have that feeling.... pour in some more,i said drifting my glass towards him.
Not here... he said.

let's get to terrace.
nd so i found myself sitting there...holding my second glass.
i lost count of glasses in an hour or something...bottles were lined up in frnt of me(4 in total)
nd 2 of them were empty.

i dint feel like i was high,at this point too :P
but yeah..i felt i was acidified from inside....nd at that point he offered me a fag.
i din know how was i supposed to take it in.... but i tried it like sanjay dutt!
i dint take it down in my lungs..as they say it was harmful(as if they prefer drinking nd smoking..haah!)

there was i lying on the terrace without any sense,fagging nd boozing.

my eyes were reddening, heart-beat increasing a bit,head felt so heavy,fingers nd toes were cold... nd i feeling like um floating in the sky!
so in layman language i was jus getting high!

I feel

I have never been in so much love with anyone....missing someone so much isn't my way.
I like to be practical at most of my times(i know most of u r laughing on this cuz i never appear practical in the blog!...lollz)
But its nt that...i blog whenever i feel sad...nd as i said in the latest posts....that cuz no-one listens to me.
nd maybe cuz no-one understands me too.
But whenever the sun sets...night comes...i behave weird nd i start feeling for her...i feel that um losing her...maybe some of my friends would steal her from me.
I keep asking myself...what if she falls in love with someone else?
what if i lose her totally?...nd what if she isn't missing me? what if "the right time" fr me doesnt ever come?
But then, um reminded of all the troubles i have been through... all the silliest fight i've fought in the last 3 months of my life..... i forget the tears of the beginning, which dropped frm my eyes reading the texts she sent me.
but i remember the tears born cuz of her(or maybe me) in the last 2-3 days.


The lights of my room are off, my breakfast has been lying on the table from the last 40 minutes.... but i dont feel like switchin on the lights or getting my favorite paneer ka parauntha(beautifully lying in the plate with a big chunk or makhan) into me.

i dont feel anythin... no no no...i dont want to make her cry again by getting hyper...i dont want her to go to others to share our fights....nd get guided by them.

i want that same girl as she was in december. Not talkin to anyone but me...waiting fr me to come online..calling me whenever she was sad. laughing with me.

Talkin to her at that time was just like getting high....it felt good...i forgot all the things i was supposed to do.... work,study,exercise nd everything.

i was spending every hour of my day talkin to her....listening to her sexy voice, sensing her deep feelings for me...sharing everythin with her.

Every secret disclosed.... because she was just the type of girl i have wanted.


But.... its all over now.
i cant hear the same voice laughing, crying thinking that we cant ever meet.
Tears roll down my cheeks listening to Atif, nd comparing the lyrics to my life.
i dont feel like listening to rock now...
i have always been a great fan of rock genre of music...but i dont feel like rocking anymore....

cuz i've lost something precious of my life..... nd i feel like crying on it.

But....its no point crying too.
i know she'll have a new life in this month or next nd forget me....nd i'll lie here thinking of the best moments(that we could never spend together)

Planning of what would i do when i see her(which,practically speaking,is never possible)

But maybe,maybe someday,sometime, my wishes would come true....
or....maybe i'll die dreaming of her nd wanting her more nd more everyday.


Love you loads....

No-one.....

Hey guys.... wassup!.... howz it goin?.... good,i hope.


actually blogging wasn't my cup of tea...until recently, i found out tht there's no one to hear u except ur Blog ;)

Today, as i write this entry,i think that how many of u (if there r any at all!) would be thinking that y am i always so low while writing!..lollz

well, at this point of time, i remember what bro said the other day..... "no one has the time to blog wen he/she's happy!!!!"
My PC says its 12:48PM nd my player is playing aasma's 'tumse hi pyar' a good track.


My mood isn't that great right now... um actually bored of everything... orkut, surfing, games nd have nothin to do at all.

i cnt find a single person to chat with nd share my feelings with in my list.

Songs keep changing, mum keeps screaming, the fone keeps ringing.... but jus don feel like doin anythin...
Boooooooooooooooooooorrrrrrriiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnnnnggggggggggggggggg


See, My bro's here...nd wont allow me to complete the post even.

huh... everyone hates me.... nd ..As if i care.....